wandering_wind

COMBAT CARDS 2.1

to fight wandering_wind enter your username below

CREATE YOUR CARD

Dear you,

You know who you are.

I know I don't know you very well. Hell, I don't know you at all. But I imagine you probably know me pretty well by now, because, and I hate to sound conceited, but I imagine that Sara-neechan talks about me an awful lot. She does, from what I understand.

But that's not the question here.

It appears to me that you're feeling not too hot lately. But that's okay. You're entitled. Hell, I spent most of my life feeling not too hot about a lot of little stuff and a little of a lot stuff. But this isn't a whose-misery-dick-is-bigger contest. The point is, everyone feels like crap sometimes, and sometimes it comes to happen that it's our turn, ne?

I know, I say a lot of stuff that either doesn't make sense or is completely useless. Most of what I say falls into those two categories.

But I digress.

I love that word.

You do something very important in my life that I would be very unhappy were it to stop happening.

You make neechan happy.

It wouldn't seem like this would directly affect me but it does. When neechan's happy, I'm happy. When neechan's not happy, I'm not happy. Plain and simple.

So, when you're not happy, neechan's not happy. When neechan's not happy, I'm not happy. Therefore, your happiness, even if I were an entirely selfish person, becomes important to me.

Even so, you're a not happy person and I am a not happy person because I know there is a not happy person out there who is connected to me, no matter how obscure the connection might be.

Therefore!

My conclusion is that your happiness is important to me.

But anyways.

The main purpose of this little letter was to inform you that I would like to open communications with you. Talk to you. Get to know you directly. Yes. I would.

So yeah.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,
me

Dear you,

This means you.

I love you and your company means a lot to me. I know we don't talk as much as we did when we were younger or a year ago or a few months ago, but seeing you wonder whether or not you matter hurts. You matter. A lot. You mean the world to me.

You've grown so much in the five years and some odd months we've known each other. You've become a beautiful woman in that time and I wish there was a mirror that reflected a person the way another person sees them because it would show you just how wonderful you are to me. I don't care if you think you're a terrible person because of things you've done to other people. You're a beautiful person in my eyes.

I don't think you've ever done me wrong.

You always give the best advice and always have the best ear for listening. You have a rich soul and a kind heart.

I love you.

Don't ever wonder if you've never saved someone, or been someone's hero. Because you saved me, and you are mine.


Love,
Little sissy

To Whom It May Concern:


There are now many very malicious rumors going around my high school thanks to Jeff, his foster brother, and Molly's ex-boyfriend who are all friends. Here are a few of them which are not too nasty and disgusting to repeat, the truth and my opinions on them.


~I broke up with Jeff, told him I never loved him, and then slept with him the next day.

Can I even begin to say how wrong this is? First, I was already dating Will the day after I broke up with Jeff (think what you like about that) and I spent that entire day with him. Luckily, this makes it so that he knows for sure that this one isn't true, and as this one isn't true the others most likely aren't either. The part about breaking up with him is definitely true, but I never said I never loved him. To the contrary, I told him I would probably always love him. I would never have slept with him in the first place if I didn't love him, and if I didn't think he loved me.


~He broke up with me and we are no longer talking.

I broke up with him, as you all know, and at the moment, we are not talking, yes. But that's mostly because of these rumors. I had actually planned to call him the night I heard about them, but Will convinced me that that was no longer a good idea.


~I still call him every night with nightmares.

Uh, no. And I hate the fact that now, people know I have nightmares. But then, anyone who understands my situation will understand why I have nightmares.


So yeah. Those are the least disgusting of the rumors. All I can say is that if this is his way of trying to win me back, yeah. It isn't working. And if this really isn't him, then it's likely his friends and he needs to tell them to stop. Now.


And yes, I know you're probably reading this.


I was serious when I said if you don't set this right, we'll just never talk again. I'll simply tell the truth, which is much worse for you than any lies anyone could tell about me.

After all, no one will believe I could possibly force you to do anything.

Jeff acted so immature.

And many people may not understand. I still love him, after all...

...But I think Will is the better choice for me right now.



In other news...

...

...SQUEEEEEEEE!!!!!



[This message brought to you by zzzzzNews.]

"Just so you know...just because I don't kiss you doesn't mean I don't want to."
"So you want to...?"
"Oh, very much so. But I have too much respect for you to do that."





I don't know what to do.

I think I'm going to cry again.

I know what I want for Christmas.

Hello Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks, and Other Outlaws by Kate Bornstein

It's a book written by a transsexual about suicide and ways to avoid it. It's supposed to be the kind of book that helps you better yourself without putting down other people, and I want it.

Lemme know if you're going to get me this for Christmas, so that I can tell people the idea's taken and I don't get multiples.

After my suicide attempt last spring, I think I could use a little information on alternatives to suicide.


Kthxbai.

Are you:
1. a cuddler? YES
2. a morning person? Occasionally.
3. are you a perfectionist? Fairly often.
4. an only child?: 2 brothers.
5. religious?: Never.
6. in your pajamas?: How'd you know?
7. left handed?: No.

1. last friend you saw: Sara.
2. talked to on the phone: My neni.
3. sent text: No one. Don't text.
4. message over myspace: Don't.
5: instant message: Sara-neechan.

today:
1. wore: Dark blue jeans, Fairy dust shirt, pink hoodie, and for some time, Sara's "Colors of Japan" shirt.
2. was today better than yesterday? No...Yesterday was pretty damn good.
3. is: Almost over.
4. got any plans: Hang out with Jeff tomorrow.

favorite:
1. number: 3, 8
2. color: Purple
3. season: Summer

currently:
1. missing: People
2. needing: Sleep.
3. wanting: To cuddle.

q's and a's

q: what was the first thing you did this morning?
a: called Neni.

q: last thing you ate:
a: Sour Cream and Onion Lays

q: do you have anything bothering you?
a: Yes.

q: what's the last movie you saw?:
a: Forrest Gump.

q: where is the last place you went?
a: Sara's house.

q: do you wish upon stars?
a: Occasionally.

q: are you a friendly person?:
a: Most of the time.

q: where did you sleep last night?:
a: Sadly, in my own bed.

q: what color shirt are you wearing?:
a: Puke green. And orange. (That's what color you get when you get caramel hair dye on a puke green shirt, apparently. o.o;)

q: do you have more guy or girl friends?
a: Girl.

q: when was the last time you really cried?
a: When I decided I would make Jeff break up with me.

q: what was your last thought before you went to sleep last?
a: Something about how WOW is more important than me... (I was sad last night.)

q: what are you about to do?
a: Get ready to go to bed.

q: rate life as of right now 1-10?
a: 6.7

q: if you could drink anything right this second, what would it be?
a: A Slurpee with magical pain relieving powers.

q: anything hurt on your body right now?
a: My left eye.

q: what's your favorite month?
a: Dunno.

q: what was your elementary schools mascot?
a: Which elementary school? I've had bobcats, bobcats and wizards.

q: what's your favorite bottled water?
a: None.

q: what were you doing at 9 pm last night?
a: Talking to my neni.

q: did you attend your high school prom?
a. I plan to.

q: did you go to someone else's prom?
a: I don't plan to.

q: do you prefer coffee or tea?
a: Coffee!

q: something red within 5 feet?
a: The package on some bicones.

q: ever done the electric slide?
a: I suck at it, but yes.

q: how much french do you know?
a: Bonjour.

q: ever crash a car, been in an accident?
a: No and yes.

q: do you look good in yellow?
a: Yes.

q: do you sing?
a: Yes.

q: ever sing in public?
a: All the time.

q: least favorite color?
a: Puke green.

q: ever had dippin dots?
a: Yes.

q: how many driving tickets have you had?
a: None, since I don't drive.

q: do you own your own house?
a: Nope.

q: at what age do you want to get married?
a: After college.

q: have you ever been married?
a: No.

q: how many kids do you have/want?
a: None/two or three.

q: do you like anyone right now?
a: Yes.

q: if so, then who?
a: Jeff (my neni)!

q: will anyone repost this:
a: Maybe someone other than Misha.

Over the past few weeks, I've been feeling a lot better.

I can't remember the last time I was able to just be...happy. Content to live my life without fretting and getting depressed over every little thing. It's like the spiderweb veil, the bell jar over my life has finally lifted, and this time it feels like for good. It feels like I'll be this way for good.

But enough of that.

Things I Want to Say To People:

1. It is not your fault.

2. I know who likes you, and it's...

3. I know who likes you, too. :p

4. Is it weird? I'm beginning to suspect that you have...feelings for me. But I'm totally the wrong person for you.

5. It's still not your fault.

6. I miss you!

7. I want to be your friend.

8. Nope, still not your fault.

9. And no, I'm not mad at you.

10. Seriously. I'm not mad at you for anything.

11. And it's still not your fault.


And to finish off this cheerful little post, a wishlist of songs. If someone could find me these songs, I will be utterly and completely devoted to them for the rest of my life. Seriously.

Benny Mardones - Touch

Train - My Private Nation

Aerosmith - Jaded


I think that's all for now, but I found an online radio station that caters to your personal tastes -- you can tell it "yes I like it" or "no I hate it" and it's actually quite smart. It rarely plays songs I don't like. Check it out here.



(By the way... DORKY PENGUIN FTW!!!11 xD)

I hate it when I have disturbing dreams.

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

Do I really have to meet his parents?

I'm scared shitless. Maybe that doesn't make sense, but I really am.

Apparently he's told his whole family that we're engaged; that we're not going to marry until years from now does not seem to make a difference, as they want to meet me now. This is a total flop from my own family, who does not know at all that we are already engaged, but has already met him. That is, if you do not count my "adoptive" family; my sisters and brothers. They know, and are in various states of knowing him.

But I digress.

The point rather was that his family knows about me from what he's told, and I only hope that he hasn't built me up in their eyes to an unreachable standard. I know how doting he is, how adoring; this isn't an impossibility. And yet I've agreed to meet them, not this Sunday, but the next.

"Them" does not only include his parents. It includes one father, one mother, one older brother, two younger brothers, and an unknown number of nieces. The only ones I'm honestly worried about impressing are the father, the mother, and the older brother, as I believe they'd be the only ones to hold sway over him if they find me wanting.

Maybe I'm making a bigger deal out of this than it is. Maybe this really isn't such a huge deal after all. People meet their fiances' parents all the time, right?

I've only had to meet the parents once, and that was before she knew we were dating.

Really now.



Off topic here: I love the little penguin emote for this entry. Isn't he cute?

Let's see colors that have never been seen
Let's go to places no one else has been
You're in my mind all of the time
I know that's not enough


He looks so fragile, laying there. As though I could shatter him with a word. And I know I could.

I look at him, and I love him ever more for his fragility. I wonder how anyone could ever hurt such a beautiful creature: all long legs and long arms; for all the world like a foal, just brought into this world, staggering about and looking to make his first steps.

But then I see the scars on his back, and I know he only resembles a foal.

This man has seen so much more of the world than I have. He made his first steps long before I was ever truly born, and where I was sheltered in a warm stable, he was thrown out to weather the wind, rain, sun, and snow. This is not to say he's had a worse time of it; this is only to say that where my problems came from within myself, his came from outside sources.

I will admit. I was a sheltered child. I never knew the word "gay" until I was in sixth grade, and I never understood it till seventh. I didn't learn about drugs until they taught them to us in class. Neglect was a thing I read about in books, and there was always a hero to save the day.

Then where was his hero? Why was he hurt and neglected?

I sometimes wonder. What would have happened, were I the scarred one, and he the sheltered? I have my own scars now, but what if those scars came from my childhood? What if he was always loved and protected?

I don't know.

All I know is that he is strong for having survived what he did, and yet there is fragility in his eyes.

I want to protect him. I want him to never be hurt again.

But am I strong enough?

I hurt too. I ache with the noise that has been brought upon me. But can I, despite the noise, shelter him from his?

I don't know.

But I can try.

I want a Build-A-Bear.

I think I want either the Mocha Bunny, the Tabby, the Koala, or the Frog.

*thinks they're all wayyyy cute*

If someone wants to buy me a random present, buy me clothes for my upcoming stuffed animal!

Once again, once again
I am the bad guy

How did she twist this around so that it was all my fault? It's my sickness, it's my lack of communication, it's my fault none of this went right.

She always does this.

And I hate her.

<*font color="wandering_wind"> <*b>wandering_wind<*/b><*/font> =
wandering_wind

Why is it that some families are breathlessly happy, but others are horrendously disfunctional?

I just don't understand how some people get all the luck.

Not only is sissy's present sent, but Sara's necklace is made!

*can't wait to send it*

Not only am I off to mail Misha's package, but maybe I'll be able to get something to bead Sara-neechan's necklace!

Post office and Michael's, here I come!

Once upon a time...

There was a little girl. This little girl was not quite a normal little girl. She did not want to be a little girl. She wanted to be a little boy.

There were myriad reasons why she wanted to be a little boy. One of these was that the little girl was convinced her parents did not love her. Why would they not love her, you may ask, and what does this have to do with being a little boy? Well, the little girl's parents were not very affectionate towards her and her brothers; however, she did not notice that her parents were also not affectionate with her brothers, and thought it was only her that they disliked. So she came to the incorrect conclusion that her parents would like her better if only she could become a little boy.

Another reason why she wanted to become a little boy was that she was not quite happy being a little girl. She did not like to do normal little girl things, like play with dolls and play house. She would play imagination games, but hers were more likely to include invading pirates than future husbands.

There are other things that made this little girl not quite a normal little girl. She had friends whom she spoke to, who followed her around and spoke back and played with her; however, none of the other little boys or girls could see these friends, the little girl's best friends. Their names were Lazarus and Kiera.

For years, Lazarus and Kiera were the only friends the little girl had. And even after they were not her only friends, they stayed with her, closer than anyone else would ever get to this strange little girl.

And soon, the little girl grew up into an older girl. Middle school took its toll on that innocent little girl; becoming a real girl became a challenge to her. And she met a new friend. She met the cutest little red haired girl who liked to sing, just like our girl. And this red haired girl became friends with her, real friends, as did a boy she met who was not quite a normal boy. But despite these new friends, Lazarus and Kiera stayed closest to her. She could tell them anything she could possibly want to, and they would not abandon her.

And then the girl moved away, and her only friends that could come with her were Lazarus and Kiera. But her red haired friend inadverantly followed soon after, and they grew closer. Lazarus and Kiera were trusted with the knowledge of the girl's crush on her red haired friend.

To bring a long story to a close, recently, in the past few years, Lazarus and Kiera have been joined by other friends: Kyo, Yuki, Haru, Momiji, Yunsung, and Aeil, not to mention a few others who did leave. But the ones that are left will most likely not leave.

They have also been joined by a few that are real to others as well as to her: her red haired friend, her sisters, her neni, her babe, and others who have drifted in and out of her life at different intervals.

I suppose there is no moral to this story. But just think about it next time you see a person with no friends; no one honestly wants to be without friends.